Gm Timekeepers,

While most of our portfolios are still bleeding, crypto has been serving up some entertainment lately. 

Remember when everyone kept saying crypto was dead? 

Well, Solana just turned five (thriving through the worst markets), and even North Korea is bullish on Bitcoin – though, of course, they prefer the hacking method to acquire it.

Let’s dive into today’s scoop. Here’s your TL;DR 👇

1️⃣ Solana Turns 5 🎂 – Survived outages, thrived in memecoins—still standing strong!

2️⃣ Bitcoin Whale Under Fire 🐳🔥 – Traders unite to take down a market-moving whale.

3️⃣ CRO Token Unburned ❌🔥 – Community votes to reverse a token burn—why tho?

4️⃣ North Hacking Its Way To ‘BTC Whale’ Status 🇰🇵💰 – Now the 3rd biggest government Bitcoin holder.

5️⃣ $1B Short Squeeze? 💀💸 – Bitcoin at $85K = shorts getting absolutely wrecked.

408B+ transactions, 1,300+ validators, and nearly $1T in volume—Solana is here to stay.

To celebrate, Solana’s throwing a massive crypto event in NYC this May. Snag an Accelerate ticket before March 31st, and you get a free +1. Bring your smartest friend (or your exit liquidity).

✅ Claim your free +1 before March 31st

✅ Get to NYC and level up your network

Five years in, Solana’s still just getting started.

This makes us realize that this game is not a short term gain and loss one but a long term visionary goal.

A mystery whale just YOLO’d a $380M Bitcoin short with 40x leverage—because, apparently, regular-sized risks are for peasants.

Now, other whales are circling, to send BTC to the moon to drown this trader in liquidations. 

Spoiler: someone’s about to get rekt.

Is this big-brain market manipulation or just another DJ trader speedrunning bankruptcy?

Either way, it’s pure entertainment—with billions on the line.

Keep your popcorn ready and your risk management tighter than this whale’s margin call.

The liquidations start at $85K—will Bitcoin send it? 🎲

Remember that 70 billion CRO tokens Crypto.com burned in 2021? Yeah, they just hit Ctrl+Z on that.

Despite Crofam's outrage, Crypto.com decided that decentralization is optional and re-minted billions like it’s Monopoly money. 

Their excuse? “Strategic expansion”—aka, because they can.

Was this a bold business move or just a masterclass in trust erosion? 

Either way, CRO holders are not vibing, and the decentralization debate just got spicier.

If you’re holding CRO, strap in, because price action might get wilder than this governance decision.

They just don’t care about the community they are built upon 🎭

Move over, US and UK. North Korea just secured the bronze medal in government Bitcoin holdings.

And no, they didn’t buy the dip… they hacked it.

Thanks to Bybit’s security oopsie, the Lazarus Group flipped Ethereum into 13,562 BTC, stacking up a casual $1.14 billion.

Guess "hodl" is now state policy in Pyongyang (capital of North Korea).

This isn’t just another crypto heist—it’s a nation-state playing DeFi degens at their own game. 

The real question: who’s next on their shopping list?

Exchanges, do better. Traders, check your OPSEC. And if you see North Korea market-making on-chain, well… you didn’t. 👀

Just 3% more and boom—$1,000,000,000 in Bitcoin shorts go up in flames.

Liquidation season is right around the corner.

85.5K BTC is the magic number. Bears are clenching their teeth, bulls are loading up, and the market is watching like it’s the series finale of a financial thriller.

The real question: will Bitcoin send hedge funds into the shadow realm, or will the bears fight back?

Either way, someone’s portfolio is about to get rekt.

Grab some popcorn, watch the charts.

Another chaotic day in crypto, another reminder that this market never sleeps.

Whether it’s Solana flexing five years of survival, Bitcoin whales going to war, or North Korea stacking sats like a state policy, the game just keeps getting wilder.

Although prices are down crypto’s still giving us bull market vibes.

But if today’s lesson is anything, it’s this: time rewards the patient, and punishes the reckless. Memecoins may pump, whales may dump, and exchanges may fumble, but the real winners? They’re the ones playing the long game.

Same time, same place tomorrow. Until then, stay liquid, stay sharp. ⏳🚀

– Your head chronographer 🤓