Gm degens and degenettes (do we have any of those? Reply to this email if you’re a degenette!)

Welcome back to another bangin, smashin edition of The 13th Hour.

Back with me again today is the paragon of swag, the trailblazer of the trenches, the Timekeeper himself.

The Timekeeper: “The owner of urmom’s heart”

Woah! Timekeeper! What’s that all about?

The Timekeeper: “Keep reading to find out”

Oh, you’re right! Urmom is directly on the docket today.

Today’s Topics:
🤰 Urmom is the hottest new thing in town.

🕵️‍♂️ Zerebro founder fakes his own death??

🏦 The Fed keeps rates steady.

Here we go!

Did you know urmom is sending?

Urmom is worth over $10M as of the time of this writing.

Urmom is driving CT crazy. They’re talking about urmom in all of my groupchats.

The Timekeeper: “Urmom is the next meta.”

Alright, enough jokes.

But seriously, a token called “urmom” has been up-and-to-the-right since early Monday morning, peaking at almost $24M yesterday. The, erm, endearing name has been crucial to its success, although it’s unclear the longevity of urmom — I mean of the coin.

Honestly, there’s not much to explain here. I’ll let the tweets do the talking.

Stay classy, CT!

Early in the morning of May 6th, reports began appearing that Jeffy Yu, the creator of the well-known “Zerebro” coin, has been found dead. According to official sources, his death was a suicide.

However, the story quickly became convoluted when a wallet linked to him began selling the Zerebro token.

Maybe it could have been relatives or friends with access to his wallets selling off his assets? Well, the rabbit hole gets even deeper from here.

Apparently Yu sent a memo to one of his investors confirming that he is indeed alive and detailing the rationale behind faking his own death. According to this document, he sees this stunt as the only way for him to exit the public eye and decrease his personal notoriety following the success of his token.

In the document circulating on X, Yu claims that he has been experiencing “ongoing harassment” and has been “targeted and blackmailed” since the release of the Zerebro token.

Yu ends the memo by saying “I am physically and mentally sound, and am not seeking assistance.”

As of the time of this writing, however, the legitimacy of these documents — including the obituary and the subsequent memo — has not been confirmed.

The Zerebro token, meanwhile has been on a downward trend since December.

At the Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) meeting, US Fed Chair Jerome Powell announced the Federal Reserve would maintain the federal funds rate at its current range of 4.25% to 4.50%.

This decision reflects the Fed's cautious, data-dependent approach amid heightened economic uncertainty, particularly due to the potential impacts of the Trump administration's —The Timekeeper: “BOO! bOOOOring!! What is this man CNBC? At least have a hot anchor lady reading the news if it’s gonna be this dry…”

Alright, Timekeeper.

Here we go, FOMC recap degen-style.

Quantitative Easing? More like…. Quant-it-ain’t-that-easy!!

The Timekeeper: “I give it a B minus”

Alright whatever… We’ll check the email open rate in a few days to see if anyone unsubscribes after this.

Here’s what CT had to say about Senpai Powell:

Erm… tapping earpiece what was that? My quant is telling me this isn’t actually a real video of Jerome Powell? Excuse me. Let me dig up something fact-checked by true patriots.

And of course, can’t have an FOMC without reviving this classic:

Aaaand that’s time!

Get it?

Time? Like “The 13th Hour”?

The Timekeeper: “You were doing so well man, why do you always gotta make it so cringe at the end?”

You’re right Timekeeper, look I’m just a disembodied voice in the aether, I don’t have a cool Bitcoin puffer jacket like you…

The Timekeeper: * Snaps & points at the camera *

The Elvis Presley of crypto, ladies and gentlemen.

Until next time, The 13th Hour crew out! 🫡