The 13th Hour Video Version

Gm Timekeepers! ⏳

Crypto just flipped the script… again. From the U.S. Justice Department ghosting crypto crimes (thanks, Trump?) to ETH whales fumbling generational wealth, this space stays unhinged.

We’re talking slow rugs from first ladies, extinct wolves mooning, and Kraken turning your BTC into real-world coffee.

Buckle up 🎠

Guess what just got rugged… by the U.S. government?

👉 The National Cryptocurrency Enforcement Team (aka NCET).

Yep, the Justice Department just shut it down — effective immediately. 🚫👮‍♂️

Instead of cracking down on big crypto fraud cases (like they did with Binance), prosecutors are now being told to only focus on terrorism and drug cartels.

Because obviously, that's where all the blockchain action is, right? 🙃

The memo from Deputy AG Todd Blanche (yep, Trump's former defense lawyer) basically said:

"Stop regulating crypto via prosecution."

Translation: Let the scammers cook. 👨‍🍳💀

Oh, and if you're wondering why this shift happened…

🚨 Trump signed an executive order so Americans can use “open blockchain networks without persecution.”

Aww, freedom. 🦅🇺🇸 (Also: he and his fam are deep in a crypto grift. Shocker.)

It’s a world where:

Welcome to Crypto Wild West 2.0 🤠⛓️

Perfect for your favorite meme coins like $TRUMP and $MELANIA.

(Not investments, just “expressions of support.” Lol, okay.)

➡️ Meanwhile, Trump wants to make the US the “crypto capital of the planet”. (Maybe to offload his bags? Who’s to say? 🤷‍♀️💼)

Stay tuned, anon. The next cycle might come with less SEC... and more $TRUMP.

Have you ever seen a chart so brutal it makes you question capitalism and your life choices at the same time?

Well, feast your eyes:

💥 One crypto project made $500,000 in a single day... and now it’s barely pushing $500.

Not a typo. We triple-checked. 🧾🔍

What was this magical project? 👉 Virtuals.

Where AI agents meet ponzinomics meet “you had to be there.” 🤖💰

It’s been a week since the last new agent launched.

And with that, activity fell off harder than an influencer's apology video after a scandal. 📉😭

The hype was real.

The volume was wild.

The revenue was chef's kiss… for like 72 hours.

Then... radio silence. 📵👻

Missed the top? Don’t worry; so did 99% of buyers.

What to do now?

🔍 Watch for the next agent to launch (maybe revive it? lol)

🧠 Study this chart in every “Why momentum isn’t a strategy” class

💸 Or just… quietly walk away like the rest of Crypto Twitter did 🕶️🚶‍♀️

Stay sharp, anon.

Next time you see $500K/day out of nowhere, just ask:

“Is this sustainable or just Web3 being Web3?” 🫠

📉 Imagine diamond-handing your ETH for 900 days… just to sell it after missing a $27M peak profit. That’s not just HODLing, that’s Olympic-level coping. 😵‍💰

This Ethereum whale scooped up 10,000 ETH at $1,295 back in late 2022. ETH hit over $4,000.

Did he sell? Of course not. 🤷

He finally cashed out at $1,578. Pocketed a measly $2.75M instead of $27.6M. Some say “patience pays” — others say “patience hurts.” 🧘‍♂️💸

And get this — Trump’s World Liberty Financial might’ve sold 5,471 ETH at a loss, too. Bought at $3,259. Sold at $1,465. True freedom is choosing when to take an L, right? 🇺🇸📉

ETH whales are bleeding, and capitulation could mean a local bottom is forming. Watch $1,400—if it holds, bounce is incoming. 

If not, the next support is near $1,200. Whales move, so stay nimble. Retail might win—for once. You? 🧠🤑

One side of the memecoin world: Melania Trump’s team just “quietly” offloaded $30M of their own coin without saying a word.
The other side? Extinct wolves are back from the dead—and their meme coin hit $13M in hours.

Degens, welcome to 2025. It’s only getting weirder. 🤡📉📈

🚨 According to Bubblemaps, 92% of $MELANIA supply is controlled by team wallets — and they've already started dumping.

No tweet, no press release, just a slow rug happening in silence.

Last we checked, Melania’s token is down 96% from ATH.

Guess memecoins are the new family side hustle. 🧼💸

Meanwhile…

🧬 On the Solana side of town, a coin called $REMUS (yes, named after a 10,000-year-old extinct wolf species) exploded after Colossal Biosciences "de-extincted" the real dire wolf.

Someone turned $1,000 into $108K in hours. Because why not?

Melania's token = political rug

Dire wolf token = biotech fever dream

Both = meme coin casino

Whether it’s Game of Thrones nostalgia, Trump family brand farming, or Elon Musk tweeting about woolly mammoths, people are throwing liquidity into anything with vibes.

Crypto is no longer just for HODLing. It’s officially spendable everywhere! 🛒

Mastercard 🤝 Kraken are joining forces to let you spend BTC, ETH, & more at 150 MILLION+ merchants globally! 🏦🪙

No gimmicks. Real cards. Real payments. 💥

Kraken users will soon get physical + digital debit cards directly linked to their crypto wallets 🎴🪪

Tap at any Mastercard terminal, and your crypto gets instantly converted to fiat 💶⚡ — no delays, no extra steps.

Plus, with Kraken Pay and your own Kraktag (your personal crypto @handle), you can send funds anywhere in the world, like sending a DM. 🌐📲

Dream of paying for coffee ☕, flights ✈️, or groceries 🥦 with your crypto?

And yes — it’s legal & regulated. Kraken now holds an EMI license from the UK’s FCA 🇬🇧✅ — a major trust signal.

This is on-chain money going IRL mainstream 💥

Launching this year in the UK & EU 🌍

Global rollout coming 🔜

…And Time

That’s a wrap on today’s 13th Hour 🕛

Regulators are chilling, whales are bleeding, and meme coins are writing the weirdest stories on-chain. Whether you’re prepping for the next bull run or just watching the show with popcorn, remember: in crypto, freedom = risk. 

Stay sharp, stay skeptical, and maybe don’t hold what the First Lady’s selling. See you tomorrow⏳🚀

– Your daily choronographer 🔁